Reckless Abandon.

Sunday, December 11, 2011

I bet you didn't know, or better rephrased, in case you didn't know, I just had my ORD parade recently. I've officially taken on the journey to adulthood, and you weren't there to witness it.

You could say that I wanted so badly for you to be there but more than anything, I wanted dad to be there. The thing is, how could I have invited him to the parade? How could I have asked him to witness all the happily married couples present while he was there all alone? How could I have set him up for the inevitable question, "Where's your wife?" or "Where's his mother?" and watch as he fumbled for an answer that could avoid any awkward sympathies after? After all that he's done for me, that's probably the last thing he deserves. I'd rather face it all alone. Well, it's not that bad. It's not the first.

Nonetheless all these has still me got me thinking about you. Time still hasn't mended the hole left in my heart when you decided to up and go. And neither has it numbed the pain. There's just so many things I wish to ask.

Where are you now?
Are you doing alright?
Do you cry yourself to sleep thinking about us?
Do you know how much I need you in my life?
Would you come home if I told you that I've missed you?
That I love you? That I forgive you?
All that would still apply even if you already have your own family now
But would you even care?

I'm more of a bum than anyone else I know of. I'm without a purpose or direction, without goals or aspirations. But I wished you were. Here to see past my shame, to tell me that you're still proud of me.

11:19:00 PM
"You may say that I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one."

Thursday, June 30, 2011

Bring me back little smiles
Funny ways you speak to me
Bring me back all your wiles
Whimsical fancies

WEST GRAND BOULEVARD - FLIGHTS OF FANCY

3:38:00 AM
"You may say that I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one."

Sunday, June 19, 2011

I know it's father's day today, but I kind of miss you, mom.
I know I keep saying that it's been so long, that I've gotten used to it, but who am I kidding? Who gets used to something like that? I haven't in the past 16 years, and I know I never will. Your absence is just something I cannot ignore.

What I will never know though, is why you left and how you managed to do it. You were the only woman in the world I could expect to love me unconditionally and yet you just upped and left. Till now I still don't know what made you decide to leave us behind but I really hope that decision didn't come easy.

And though it may seem a little late now, I still want you back in my life. I'll promise to love and take care of you like you've never done for me. But from the way things look, I can tell that you won't be coming back again.

I don't have any more memories of our time spent together. The only ones that are left are the ones I wish I could forget. The day it all changed. I still remember it like it was yesterday.

I just want you to know that I still think about you. That I still wonder where you are on nights like these.

11:40:00 PM
"You may say that I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one."

Monday, January 17, 2011

you know how it happens, when you give it your all and never expected anything in return? i didn't mind that. nope i didn't mind at all. but instead of nothing, i got topped with a shit load of dishonesty & disappointment. what a way to start the year. wooo!

but wow i ve never felt so used before. i felt like a toothpaste. a cheap tube of Darlie that was all squeezed up and rolled to the tip(my dad taught me that).

And as if i wasn't feeling bad enough already, i was made to watch as a new tube of toothpaste phase me out. of course, i don't wonder why the replacement was made. 12 hour cavity protection and whitening abilities? that's exactly what you ve been looking for. but seriously though, couldn't i have been allowed to skip that scene? have you never heard of a cooling off period?

if you wanted to mock me you could have just doodled on my wide smiling face. if you wanted to insult me you could have just used mouthwash. but this? really?

couldn't i have been spared some dignity? i mean come on. at least screw the cap back on when you're done.

TOOTHPASTES HAVE FEELINGS TOO

6:59:00 PM
"You may say that I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one."

Saturday, January 15, 2011

ROAR

i wasn`t born with the gift to love
maybe that could explain your absence
maybe that`s worth a little despair,
a little regret but maybe
just maybe,
breaking up ain`t that bad
or so you say

here comes the hypocritical apologies
with the base of lies and more lies
save the tears it doesn`t work,
it doesn`t hurt
no pain felt, not a single bit
or so i say

it`s time for the correographed smile
final act: last line of the script
just like the way you rehearsed in your bedroom
three cheers for the wonderful performance
three cheers for you
nothing`s left to say

turn your back and walk away
i hope you choke on
every single word you said
every single word you ever said
about forever is just how we`ll stay

8:36:00 PM
"You may say that I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one."

Tuesday, August 07, 2007

draft match + win + drafted by me = me + fucking cool + high

sch at 8 + presentation + report + undone = me + dead

and the simpsons movie is just fucking ownage!

12:40:00 AM
"You may say that I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one."

Friday, August 03, 2007

don`t think i can take it
wake me when it`s over
seems so far away
i wish that it was closer
i see you everyday
i`m too scared to go over
i wonder what she`d say
i barely even know her

eden i still h8 u

2:59:00 AM
"You may say that I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one."

Saturday, September 30, 2006

fucking pissed.

got my bike stolen. yeah. went cycling then basketball then cycling again. all the way back to j8 for subway. and then arcade after that. but none of these mattered. it`s the next event that pissed me off.

it was around 11+ then when mel, adam and i decided to ride about in the neighbourhood. we came across this park that i hadn`t visited in about 10years. it looked spooky from below so i was like "let`s go do some exploring". fucking big mistake not locking the bikes and hiding them behind the tree.

anyway, we went up for awhile and realised that the place had been changed. less treeish, less rocky and less everything that should`ve blocked the view of the main road. it wasn`t scary after all. went back down to see only 2 bikes left. the one that i had lent adam and mel`s. so where the fuck was mine?

saw a malay and an indian dude who were armed to go fight sitting at the fitness corner so i went over to ask if they saw anyone taking the bike. nothing. adam said he heard the sound of a bike being moved into a lift as we were walking down the park so we decided to take our chances.

9th and 13th floor. alright. went to search from the 7th storey to the 17 storey. nothing. went back down and wanted to give up when the two dudes called for us. they saw a dark male riding a red bike away so we tried searching in that direction but our efforts were to no avail. got really pissed and finally decided to head home so here i am trying to vent all my anger out. grrr.

i`ll fuck you up bad whoever the fuck you are dude.

12:03:00 AM
"You may say that I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one."

fucking pissed.

got my bike stolen. yeah. went cycling then basketball then cycling again. all the way back to j8 for subway. and then arcade after that. but none of these mattered. it`s the next event that pissed me off.

it was around 11+ then when mel, adam and i decided to ride about in the neighbourhood. we came across this park that i hadn`t visited in about 10years. it looked spooky from below so i was like "let`s go do some exploring". fucking big mistake not locking the bikes and hiding them behind the tree.

anyway, we went up for awhile and realised that the place had been changed. less treeish, less rocky and less everything that should`ve blocked the view of the main road. it wasn`t scary after all. went back down to see only 2 bikes left. the one that i had lent adam and mel`s. so where the fuck was mine?

saw a malay and an indian dude who were armed to go fight sitting at the fitness corner so i went over to see if they saw anyone taking the bike. nothing. adam said he heard the sound of a bike into the lift as we were walking down the park so we decided to take our chances.

9th and 13th floor. alright. went to search from the 7th storey to the 17 storey. nothing. went back down and wanted to give up when the two dudes called for us. they saw a dark male riding a red bike away so we tried searching in that direction but our efforts were to no avail. got really pissed and finally decided to head home so here i am trying to vent all my anger out. grrr.

i`ll fuck you up bad whoever the fuck you are dude.

12:03:00 AM
"You may say that I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one."

Saturday, September 23, 2006

met up with my mom about 2hours ago. it felt different from her previous visits though. as in before they got a divorce. it felt as if i was talking to a familiar stranger. seemed like there`s a really huge gap between us

we used to have lunch, go shopping and go arcad-ing but somehow all that has become of her visit is to just have lunch and go off. maybe it`s cause they`ve been officially separated or something. i just felt uncomfortable spending her money. or even talking to her.

but it didn`t matter if i felt comfortable or not. we were having lunch at j8`s swensens when she took out $1000 and asked us to keep it. it was an eye-opener. not in the sense of "jian qian yan kai" but in the sense that i`ve never seen/received a piece of paper that worthed so much before. in the end, it just meant that we were trading the time we could`ve spent together for more money. that`s not the way things should be. well anyway, when it came to the bill, i witnessed the generosity of adults at its best. my mom took out cash, my dad snatched the bill, my mom then snatched my dad`s credit card. while they were occupied with all that, my uncle paid the bill. it was quite a funny scene.

yeah and my mom had gotten a new job. meaning that she`ll be able to visit us every 3months or so. just hope that we can spend more time together next time instead of just having a meal. or maybe she could even stay.

ha. i`m a dreamer.

1:20:00 PM
"You may say that I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one."